i have been listening to joni mitchell all day today. help me, in particular. I heard it on the radio yesterday, the first time I have heard it in forever....FOREVER...and the second verse really popped as something that totally relates to my present situation.
I am currently in a long distance relationship. I actually moved to Michigan to make it grow, to make it happen. We reconnected after many years and the moments fell into place so miraculously it seemed like the right way to go.
I have been terribly unhappy since I have been here. Sad. I would go to yoga to try to clean the vibes out a bit and i would come back more irritated with my present living situation, blaming it on my surroundings...ie no job, road construction, whatever I could blame.
but the hard question i didn't even want to answer or approach was WHY was I so unhappy? Was being around him not enough to do it for me?
Driving down to Trail Days, sitting in the passenger seat, it occured to me that I am free to make whatever choice I want to make myself happy. I have been depending on him too much to do it for me, I needed to back off...well, good...I am going back into the woods, that always makes me happy. Check.
In spades. I was so happy when I got there I think I cried about 15 times that weekend. Out of relief. I reconnected, hung with nature, saw some incredible people that I missed so much. Incredible people that kinda opened my eyes past the relationship....for me to realize that maybe what I was trying to squeeze into could be a bad fit. This was my crowd, people that really got me and the things I loved to do, people I was truly close to...and it just took that to remind me of how disconnected I was. I am a lonely person, and sometimes get involved because they share the sentiment of a fulfilling relationship, and pray like hell it's the one so I don't have to go through some shitty breakup.
But I am a free person. And free to make these decisions on what I wanted or what made me happy...
and he didn't make me happy enough to stay.
Damnit.
the cold hard truth to all of the questions I had not been wanting to ask myself. It even upsets me now. I don't want to give into that moment, I really really don't..I don't want to be miserable, I want to stay put. I want this to work.
But...I have been unhappy because I am not fulfilling my wants and needs right now.....I am not where I want to be, I am not even who I want to be...and it occurs to me we are way more different than I initially thought. this isn't to say I am overly hard to please either...it does take two to tango...but what exactly do I do if I am unhappy? Staying put for loyalty's sake after compromising your happiness is not what I have in mind, but...am I making the right decision?
....and then there was this moment I had.
A moment that I treasure out of all of the ones I have had this year, which probably needs to be let go, at least a little....but one heart opening conversation felt...awesome...just what I needed; it felt good. Really good.
I am actually trying to not think about it all of the time. But I do. In fact, I have every reason not to...but I actually walked away crying from happiness for that moment, too. Just...so full of gratitude. And our moment after connecting so powerfully in our talk the night before...after what felt like such a lifetime of silence about being myself and finally be understood for the goofy ass i am...oh wow. it was definitely nice. and i felt like i brought him that kind of comfort too. maybe a little.
I do realize it was an isolated incident. I might never see him again, for all I know, and to be frank, I am probably not in a great position to jump into another attempt...but maybe...if I see him again...hm. no telling. it could quite possibly be spectacular.
And that's what I am holding onto. The possibility that there is a person really out there for me. And it's wonderful. It's completely changed my life. I am actually cutting my losses, getting out of here and living in my car for a bit, in the woods, and visit with family. All the things that make me happy. Even if I never see him again, I can take that change he opened me up to with me.
so then I hear 'Help Me'.
The second verse alone is what draws me to this song.
Help me I think I'm falling
In love too fast
It's got me hopin for the future and worryin about the past
Cause I have seen some hot hot blazes
come down to smoke and ash
we love our lovin'....but not like we love our freedom
I have fallen pretty deeply...or what I thought was deeply...a time or two....and prayed like hell every time and every time I have watched those blazes just...expire. causes me to doubt myself, to even shut myself off. how do I know this is it...? that this connection is the right one, after another failed attempt? well, at least I didn't try to make this last attempt work for three years.
and then I wonder, is it possible to have a relationship and maintain that feeling of freedom? but it is so incredible when your soul is touched by another... that's what makes the world go round, isn't it?
so why can't we have both? is it even possible?
can I (and will i) still be able to be truly honest with myself in a relationship?
well. that's something to think about.
Help me
I think I am falling in love with you
Are you going to let me go there myself?
That's such a lonely thing to do
Both of us flirting around
flirting and flirting
hurting too
We love our lovin', but not like we love our freedom.
We hurt, we are lonely, but we love to do what we want. Can we do what we want and still be with another, still be in love? or is freedom the ultimate relationship i am capable of sharing love with?
Well. If I got the idea to change my life from what felt like an incredibly honest connection alone, then great. I am completely grateful for every second of it, because now my life is of an optimistic point of view...and now I am reminded to believe the Universe provides endlessly to those who allow it to provide for them. So I am asking, in earnest now, that I can really land that. The trifecta of freedom, love and relationship. Somebody I can love as much as I love my freedom; or better yet, my idea of freedom and the compatible soul's may be the same thing...So, regardless of past failed attempts, I choose to believe it exsists. I just have to accept that this is just another part of my journey....a stepping stone to whatever awesomeness is in store for me.
It's just....hard. I have been alone so many times.
but i do love that freedom.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment